6 hostage negotiation techniques that will get you what you want

6 hostage negotiation techniques that will get you what you want6 hostage negotiation techniques that will get you what you wantHow does hostage negotiation get people to change their minds?TheBehavioral Change Stairway Modelwelches developed by the FBIs hostage negotiation unit, and it shows the 5 steps to getting someone else to see your point of view and change what theyre doing.Its leid something that only works with barricaded criminals wielding assault rifles - it applies to fruchtwein any form of disagreement.There are five stepsActive Listening Listen to their side and make them aware youre listening.Empathy You get an understanding of where theyre coming from and how they feel.RapportEmpathy is what you feel. Rapport is when they feel it back. They start to trust you.Influence Now that they trust you, youve earned the right to work on schwierigkeit solving with them and recommend a course of action.Behavioral Change They act. (And maybe come out with their hands up.)The pro blem is, youre probably screwing it up.What youre doing wrongIn all likelihood you usually skip the first three steps.You start at 4 (Influence) and expect the other partie to immediately go to 5 (Behavioral Change).And that never works.Saying Heres why Im right and youre wrong might be effective if people were fundamentally rational.But theyre not.Frommy interview with former head of FBI international hostage negotiation, Chris Vossbusiness negotiations try to pretend that emotions dont exist. Whats your best alternative to a negotiated agreement, orBATNA? Thats to try to be completely unemotional and rational, which is a fiction about negotiation. menschlich beings are incapable of being rational, regardless Soinstead of pretending emotions dont exist in negotiations, hostage negotiators have actually designed an approach that takes emotions fully into account and uses them to influence situations, which is the reality of the way all negotiations goThe most critical step in the Be havioral Change Staircase is actually the first parte active listening.The other steps all follow from it. But most people are terrible at listening.HeresChrisagainIf while youre making your argument, the only time the other side is silent is because theyre thinking about their own argument, theyve got a voice in their head thats talking to them. Theyre not listening to you. When theyre making their argument to you, youre thinking about your argument, thats the voice in your head thats talking to you. So its very much like dealing with a schizophrenic.If your first objective in the negotiation, instead of making your argument, is to hear the other side out, thats the only way you can quiet the voice in the other guys mind. But most people dont do that. They dont walk into a negotiation wanting to hear what the other side has to say. They walk into a negotiation wanting to make an argument. They dont pay attention to emotions and they dont listen.The basics of active listening are pr etty straightforwardListen to what they say.Dont interrupt, disagree or evaluate.Nod your head, and make brief acknowledging comments like yes and uh-huh.Without being awkward, repeat back the gist of what they just said, from their frame of reference.Inquire. Ask questions that show youve been paying attention and that move the discussion forward.So what six techniques do FBI hostage negotiation professionals use to take it to the next level?1. Ask open-ended questionsYou dont want yes/no answers, you want them to open up.ViaCrisis Negotiations, Fourth Edition Managing Critical Incidents and Hostage Situations in Law Enforcement and CorrectionsA good open-ended question would be Sounds like a tough deal. Tell me how it all happened. It is non-judgmental, shows interest, and is likely to lead to more information about the mans situation. A poor response would be Do you have a gun? What kind? How many bullets do you have? because it forces the man into one-word answers, gives the imp ression that the negotiator is more interested in the gun than the man, and communicates a sense of urgency that will build rather than defuse tension.2. Effective pausesPausing is powerful. Use it for emphasis, to encourage someone to keep talking or to defuse things when people get emotional.Gary Noesner, author ofStalling for Time My Life as an FBI Hostage NegotiatorhassaidEventually, even the most emotionally overwrought subjects will find it difficult to sustain a one-sided argument, and they again will return to meaningful dialogue with negotiators. Thus, by remaining silent at the right times, negotiators actually can move the overall negotiation process forward.3. Minimal EncouragersBrief statements to let the person know youre listening and to keep them talking.Gary NoesnerEven relatively simple phrases, such as yes, O.K., or I see, effectively convey that a negotiator is paying attention to the subject. behauptung responses will encourage the subject to continue talking an d gradually relinquish more control of the situation to the negotiator.4. MirroringRepeating the last word or phrase the person said to show youre listening and engaged.Yes, its that simple - just repeat the last word or twoGary NoesnerFor example, a subject may declare, Im sick and tired of being pushed around, to which the negotiator can respond, Feel pushed, huh?5. ParaphrasingRepeating what the other person is saying back to them in your own words. Thispowerfully shows you really do understand and arent merely parroting.From my interview with former head of FBI international hostage negotiation, Chris VossThe idea is to really listen to what the other side is saying and feed it back to them. Its kind of a discovery process for both sides. First of all, youre trying to discover whats important to them, and secondly, youre trying to help them hear what theyre saying to find out if what they are saying makes sense to them.6. Emotional LabelingGive their feelings a name. It shows y oure identifying with how they feel. Dont comment on the validity of the feelings - they could be totally crazy - but show them you understand.ViaCrisis Negotiations, Fourth Edition Managing Critical Incidents and Hostage Situations in Law Enforcement and CorrectionsA good use of emotional labeling would be You sound pretty hurt about being left. It doesnt seem fair. because it recognizes the feelings without judging them. It is a good Additive Empathetic response because it identifies the hurt that underlies the anger the woman feels and adds the idea of justice to the actors message, an idea that can lead to other ways of getting justice.A poor response would be You dont need to feel that way. If he was messing around on you, he was not worth the energy. It isjudgmental. It tells the subject how not to feel. It minimizes the subjects feelings, which are a major part of who she is. It is Subtractive Empathy.Curious to learn more?To get my exclusive full interview with former head of FBI hostage negotiation Chris Voss (where he explains thetwo words that tell you a negotiation is going very badly) join my free weekly newsletter. Clickhere.Join over 140,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Related postsHow To Make Your Life Better By Sending Five Simple EmailsHow To Stop Being Lazy And Get More Done 5 Expert TipsNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulThis article originally appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.6 hostage negotiation techniques that will get you what you wantHow does hostage negotiation get people to change their minds?TheBehavioral Change Stairway Modelwas developed by the FBIs hostage negotiation unit, and it shows the 5 steps to getting someone else to see your point of view and change what theyre doing.Its not something that only works with barricaded criminals wielding assault rifles - it applies to most any form of disagreement.There are five stepsActive Listening Listen to their side and make them aw are youre listening.Empathy You get an understanding of where theyre coming from and how they feel.RapportEmpathy is what you feel. Rapport is when they feel it back. They start to trust you.Influence Now that they trust you, youve earned the right to work on problem solving with them and recommend a course of action.Behavioral Change They act. (And maybe come out with their hands up.)Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreThe problem is, youre probably screwing it up.What youre doing wrongIn all likelihood you usually skip the first three steps.You start at 4 (Influence) and expect the other person to immediately go to 5 (Behavioral Change).And that never works.Saying Heres why Im right and youre wrong might be effective if people were fundamentally rational.But theyre not.Frommy interview with former head of FBI international hostage negotiation, Chris Vossbusiness negotiations try to pretend that emotions dont exist. Whats your best alternative to a negotiated agreement, orBATNA? Thats to try to be completely unemotional and rational, which is a fiction about negotiation. Human beings are incapable of being rational, regardless Soinstead of pretending emotions dont exist in negotiations, hostage negotiators have actually designed an approach that takes emotions fully into account and uses them to influence situations, which is the reality of the way all negotiations goThe most critical step in the Behavioral Change Staircase is actually the first part active listening.The other steps all follow from it. But most people are terrible at listening.HeresChrisagainIf while youre making your argument, the only time the other side is silent is because theyre thinking about their own argument, theyve got a voice in their head thats talking to them. Theyre not listening to you. When theyre making their argument to you, youre thinking about your argument, thats the voi ce in your head thats talking to you. So its very much like dealing with a schizophrenic.If your first objective in the negotiation, instead of making your argument, is to hear the other side out, thats the only way you can quiet the voice in the other guys mind. But most people dont do that. They dont walk into a negotiation wanting to hear what the other side has to say. They walk into a negotiation wanting to make an argument. They dont pay attention to emotions and they dont listen.The basics of active listening are pretty straightforwardListen to what they say.Dont interrupt, disagree or evaluate.Nod your head, and make brief acknowledging comments like yes and uh-huh.Without being awkward, repeat back the gist of what they just said, from their frame of reference.Inquire. Ask questions that show youve been paying attention and that move the discussion forward.So what six techniques do FBI hostage negotiation professionals use to take it to the next level?1. Ask open-ended ques tionsYou dont want yes/no answers, you want them to open up.ViaCrisis Negotiations, Fourth Edition Managing Critical Incidents and Hostage Situations in Law Enforcement and CorrectionsA good open-ended question would be Sounds like a tough deal. Tell me how it all happened. It is non-judgmental, shows interest, and is likely to lead to more information about the mans situation. A poor response would be Do you have a gun? What kind? How many bullets do you have? because it forces the man into one-word answers, gives the impression that the negotiator is more interested in the gun than the man, and communicates a sense of urgency that will build rather than defuse tension.2. Effective pausesPausing is powerful. Use it for emphasis, to encourage someone to keep talking or to defuse things when people get emotional.Gary Noesner, author ofStalling for Time My Life as an FBI Hostage NegotiatorhassaidEventually, even the most emotionally overwrought subjects will find it difficult to susta in a one-sided argument, and they again will return to meaningful dialogue with negotiators. Thus, by remaining silent at the right times, negotiators actually can move the overall negotiation process forward.3. Minimal EncouragersBrief statements to let the person know youre listening and to keep them talking.Gary NoesnerEven relatively simple phrases, such as yes, O.K., or I see, effectively convey that a negotiator is paying attention to the subject. These responses will encourage the subject to continue talking and gradually relinquish more control of the situation to the negotiator.4. MirroringRepeating the last word or phrase the person said to show youre listening and engaged.Yes, its that simple - just repeat the last word or twoGary NoesnerFor example, a subject may declare, Im sick and tired of being pushed around, to which the negotiator can respond, Feel pushed, huh?5. ParaphrasingRepeating what the other person is saying back to them in your own words. Thispowerfully s hows you really do understand and arent merely parroting.From my interview with former head of FBI international hostage negotiation, Chris VossThe idea is to really listen to what the other side is saying and feed it back to them. Its kind of a discovery process for both sides. First of all, youre trying to discover whats important to them, and secondly, youre trying to help them hear what theyre saying to find out if what they are saying makes sense to them.6. Emotional LabelingGive their feelings a name. It shows youre identifying with how they feel. Dont comment on the validity of the feelings - they could be totally crazy - but show them you understand.ViaCrisis Negotiations, Fourth Edition Managing Critical Incidents and Hostage Situations in Law Enforcement and CorrectionsA good use of emotional labeling would be You sound pretty hurt about being left. It doesnt seem fair. because it recognizes the feelings without judging them. It is a good Additive Empathetic response bec ause it identifies the hurt that underlies the anger the woman feels and adds the idea of justice to the actors message, an idea that can lead to other ways of getting justice.A poor response would be You dont need to feel that way. If he was messing around on you, he was not worth the energy. It isjudgmental. It tells the subject how not to feel. It minimizes the subjects feelings, which are a major part of who she is. It is Subtractive Empathy.Curious to learn more?To get my exclusive full interview with former head of FBI hostage negotiation Chris Voss (where he explains thetwo words that tell you a negotiation is going very badly) join my free weekly newsletter. Clickhere.Join over 140,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.This article originally appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.